Help Your Teen Now, Not Later

By Troy Faddis, LMFT

There are two big mistakes parents make as they lead up to a treatment decision. First, parents find the idea of "treatment" distressing, and will not pursue it until something dire or even life-threatening occurs. This delay will most likely prolong eventual treatment, and may mean the teen will need a more intensive treatment setting than if they had acted sooner. Second, parents will expend whatever energy and resource it takes to keep a child on track academically, even when their teen shows no interest in school.

When your teen seems to prefer living off you in a sort of "teenage retirement," hanging out with friends or isolating himself, possibly drinking or doing drugs, a primary focus on academic performance will almost always miss the mark.

Unrealistic expectations

Traditional schools assume that a child is willing and motivated to learn. They also assume that the child can, and will, learn with the methods that they use. There is little room for unique learning. Unfortunately, for most of the types of students we work with in wilderness therapy, school has not gone well for a long time. They may have gotten into a pattern of alcohol or drug use, or may struggle with depression or other mental health issues. Often, students have multiple problems. The pressure of returning to school in September will most likely create more stress and disappointment, leading to more defiance and withdrawal from family.

In most cases, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. If your child's past behavior has been one of school failure, drug use, or other behavioral issues, what has occurred during the summer that makes you think that this school year will be different? Hope for change does not bring about change. Even with repeated failures at school and outpatient therapy, parents often try the same things over and over.

Failure and manipulation

This cycle of failure (interspersed with occasional periods of "peace") eventually leads to more resistance and a hardened child. Your teen can also become quite adept at manipulating situations if he knows that you will back down from any real consequences.

Often, the defiant teen will adopt a "second family" of friends who demonstrate similar issues or behaviors. Teens will often use school performance as a way to manipulate parents. The threat of doing poorly or well in school often hooks parents. This makes the topic of school a hot button topic for parents and teens, typically escalating the conflict. Both parent and child come to see the other as the obstacle to success and happiness. When left unchecked, this pattern often leads to “burned out” parents and a hardened child.

Many parents will threaten the child with military school or some other form of residential treatment such as wilderness therapy programs. The teen may make temporary improvement to avoid this consequence, but as soon as the child perceives that the parent is no longer pursuing these options the troubled symptoms will almost certainly return. This is often a pattern that parents and children have to play out many times before the parents are truly ready to make the commitment to send their child into treatment.

Causes and effects

When a child drinks or uses drugs, she usually seeks other teens who are struggling just like she is. This collusion leads teens into seeing their parents as the problem and allows them to accentuate their own virtues. For example, a teen may say, "My parents should be grateful that I only do pot and not the hard stuff like heroin," or "Everyone does pot," or "Bobbie's parents never ask him what he is doing and let him stay out as late as he wants! My parents should be happy that I at least tell them where I am going."

Parents must remember that teens are still developing the pre-frontal cortex, the part of the brain that allows a person to make logical, adult decisions. Parents need to help be the "pre-frontal cortex" for their child until the teen develops this themselves. When parents have no control or influence over a child, this becomes impossible.

Teens naturally think that they are indestructible, that bad things will not happen to them, and that they can escape negative consequences. Teens are also self-centered, relying on their parents for the necessities of life while at the same time projecting an air of not needing them and being self-sufficient. Teens think that their parent will always be there to rescue them. Teens often do not see, or choose to ignore, the line of danger, and they move across it with an ease and speed that can be terrifying to parents.

Help in the wilderness

Wilderness treatment is one of the most effective tools available to help parents regain influence and control. In a 2003 study at the University of Minnesota, Dr. Keith Russell asked students and parents if wilderness therapy was effective for them two years after completing the program. Eighty percent of the parents said it was. A remarkable 93.9% of students also said, "Yes it was!"

Wilderness therapy helps teach natural consequences. Mother Nature cannot be manipulated by rebellious teens. There are very few opportunities in modern school or society for teens to learn the lessons that are taught in the wilderness. The experience of the wilderness trek helps the adult part of the brain to develop, which leads to a greater self-identity and adult decision-making process.

As a parent, you may at times feel under immense pressure to keep your teen on track. You might even get a venomous response from others – a grandparent, sibling, coworker, or even a spouse – when they find out that you are considering something such as wilderness treatment for your child.

Many people believe the old and unhealthy myth that what happens in the family must stay in the family. Sometimes a person may be ill-informed about wilderness therapy and think that you are sending your child to a boot camp. Often they just need to learn more about wilderness therapy and the outcome studies that have shown its effectiveness.

The time to act

It is easy to find justifications for delaying a more effective treatment for your teen. What's tough is getting past the fear and justifications and taking a decisive step. Again I ask, "How well has maintaining the status quo been working?" If the answer is "not very well," then what makes you think that it will change?

Every person's situation, although similar to what has been discussed here, is unique. The decision for treatment is a very difficult, personal, and often painful one. Getting help for your child, yourself, and your family often means self-examination and changing entrenched patterns.

But if you see your child caught in a cycle of negative behaviors, reach out today and ask for the help your family needs, because delaying treatment only makes the process that much more difficult.

Troy Faddis is the clinical director for Aspen Achievement Academy. He is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, working with adolescents and their families, and is also a board member for the Utah Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.